Use #5 Through 10: For The Troops.

This post is dedicated to the able-bodied men and women serving oversees in some of the most desolate, challenging territory on the globe. Without them defending our freedom, we wouldn't have the ability to spend countless hours dreaming up uses for such trivial items as baby wipes. But yet these dedicated soldiers, sailors, marines and guardsmen provide the uses listed in this posting. I'll summarize for brevity;
5: Weapon Cleaner - Obvious. Baby wipes are good for keeping the sidearm or the M-16 free of grit, desert sand and other debris,
6: Face cleanser - Many of our troops deployed right now are in a DESERT - there isn't a lot of water for drinking, much less bathing. Baby wipes are great to clean up after a hard day in Iraq / Afghanistan / Insert your deployement theatre here,
7: Humidifier - Place a couple of these in with the MREs that have already been reconstituted (note: MRE means 'meals ready to eat' but many of them require adding water to truly be 'ready') and they keep the food from drying out (although it may alter the flavor a bit),
8: Boot deodorizer - can be inserted much like an insole, absorbing foot sweat, replacing as needed to keep the ol' dogs smelling fresher. They can even be used while marching,
9: Keep the optics clean - Many modern weapon systems still use optical sights. Wipes are compact to fit in the Abrams or Bradley, to keep the sights clear,
10: Parts Degreaser - In dry climates, vehicles need lots of grease / oil / lubricant to run properly. Its a constant struggle to keep a supply line running. Wipes can keep the sand and dirt from building up, plus they won't harm the sensitive environment in the war zone when they're discarded.
Cost: That depends on you. If you choose to ignore our troops, and support those in political power who wish to disarm our country, the cost will be our freedom. FREEDOM ISN'T FREE. There is a cost to bear for keeping this country free, and the brave soldiers dispersed all around the world on our behalf VOLUNTEERED to serve, knowing full well that they may be put in harm's way. They pay that cost every day, sometimes with their very lives. The least we can do is support them here at home. Send money to the American Red Cross. Or send what you can to the numerous organizations set up, some in your own neighborhood, to get needed supplies to our soldiers (like baby wipes!). A google search on 'Support Our Troops" is a good way to find official organizations to deliver donations. Do your part!


Use #1: Floor Waxer.

Since baby wipes are very strong and pre-moistened with some mystical stain-eating mixture of alcohol and sodium-laurel-sulfate-based cleaning goo, these things cut through floor grease like Ginsu knives through over-ripe tomatoes. First, get one of those Swiffer (tm) floor cleaner / mop gizmos -- there's lots of different brands to choose from; I mention 'Swiffer' just because I have one. Next, place an unused baby wipe (or two) on the head of the Swiffer gizmo, as you would with one of the cleaning pads you'd actually buy for the swiffer thingy. Proceed to clean the floor, replacing baby wipes as needed to clean, then repeat the process to spread an even coat of floor wax. Presto! These dudes are tough and hold up well to floor cleaning. Here's a handy tip: For tight corners, take a baby wipe and a rubber band, and attach the wipe to the handle grip of the swiffer with the rubber band. Now you have a tool for cleaning right up under those kitchen cabinets, where crud seems to pool up and solidify. Trust me, it works.
COST: About $10 for the swiffer thingy, if you don't already have one
SAVINGS: Those replacement pads are $expensive$!
WET / DRY: You can use fresh wipes for the cleanup, and the dried-out ones still in the pop-up dispenser for the wax part.


Use #4: Disinfecting the gaming console.

If you're like me, and even if you aren't like me, chances are, since you're reading this BLOG, you are probably not technically challenged. That is, since you're reading this Blog, you at least know (a) what a Blog is (confession: I didn't until I saw it mentioned in a Thursday night sitcom, and I've been in the high-tech industry almost my entire life), (b) you know how to use a computer for recreational purposes, and not merely as a tool to catapult your career forward to your next paycheck, and that leads to (c) you're not afraid of technology, and have in fact embraced the cold, hard silicon-based whirring virtuality of computer games, and have at least one of the aforementioned "gaming consoles" in your home.

C'mon, admit it: You've been playing electronic games since you got your first Pong game at Montgomery Ward(oops, that's dating myself) or at least your first Nintendo-something game system. You gotta have at least one game or game-type electronic device -- battery-powered handheld thingies count -- in your home. And, if you're like me (or not) you also have allowed your young charge (a.k.a. 'kid') play with the gadget at least once. Or twice. Or until he / she collapses from sheer fatigue from pushing buttons and watching fabulous colors appear, seemingly at the child's control. Too bad you never showed your 2-year-old how to get past the demo mode. Face it - you, like me, use these game machines to escape reality, either by using them to submerge yourself into artificial worlds rich with bizarre creatures and anatomically-enhanced heroines in revealing undies rescuing civilization forever hanging in the balance, or more importantly, as a virtual babysitter to entertain junior so you can do more important things, like submerge yourself into artificial worlds on the NEW gaming console you bought last week so junior could play with the old one. Ha! Caught you, didn't I?

OK, more importantly, if your kids are gonna play with these - and if they exist in your living space they are - they need to be CLEANED. Every child leaves a trail of 'something' that is even present immediately after a bath. I can't explain "it", I think physicists have proven of "its" existence, but "it" needs to be cleaned off the games to prevent total catastophic failure. After all, you can't have a sticky joystick preventing you from saving planet Gyzz for the 45th time because you wanna see the 'anatomically enhanced' part I mentioned earlier.

The instruction booklet warned you not to use liquids directly on the device, right? SO use the wipes WITHOUT SQUEAZING THEM INTO TIGHT DRIPPING BALLS OF GOO. The idea is not to saturate the equipment so that liquid from the wipe gets inside the machinery. Just lightly wipe the outside surfaces of the device, controllers, keypads, etc. Don't wipe inside cartridge slots or try and clean CD lenses with them, though. Just wipe on the outside of the equipment. Oh, yeah, one other detail: Unplug the thing or take out the batteries before you clean. Trust me. Its a safety thing. Also, A pointed object, like a dull pencil, wrapped with a baby wipe helps get into tight spots where month-old peanut butter has solidified and become the 4th hardest substance known to man.
COST: $0.10, if you don't already have a dull pencil
SAVINGS: Your sanity, maybe some trips to the pediatrician because you're cleaning the playstation regularly and keeping the kids from sharing germs when they share the game controllers. I'd also say saving the game itself, but that might take away the next excuse to use on your spouse to run out and buy the new Playstation 32!


Use #3: Ant Repellant.

Mind you, I'm not suggesting you pass up hiring a professional exterminator, but the fragrence component of baby wipes seems to irritate those miniscopic, nosy, pesky little pests you find in your kitchen; You know, the ones marching single-file, headed straight away for the waste can that maybe your spouse neglected to take out after discarding those frozen chicken gizzrds you've been saving in tyhe back of the freezer for that special evening feast. Anyway, as you wipe up the pests, the ants stick to the wipe's surface, and that invisible trail the rest of the pack follows gets disrupted, confusing the little bastards you missed when you wiped 'em up half an hour ago. Placing a fresh baby wipe at the point of entry can be effective also, by persuading the army of marching black scum to turn around and head for home --er-- nest. Notice I said repellent -- this is not a method for solving a serious ant infestation, but can be used as a weapon in the arsenal for fighting a major invasion. Possible applications might be barriers to convice reluctant ant colonists to take bait from those bait traps you put down that seemed ineffective. Try using wipes as ramparts, uh, walls, to guide the ants to the traps, sorta like radio fence for insects.
COST: $0 - After all, the premise of this blog is that you save everything, and you're trying to find uses for wipes you already have. As a plus, they add value to those bait traps you bought at Wal-Mart last summer and stuck in the closet, because your wife said they'd never work.


Use #2: Sponge-Bath replacement.

I just had surgery in a rather embarrassing spot on my body. Let's just say I've been the butt of many jokes since the procedure. This resulted in (a) Two golfball-sized biohazard masses removed from a posterior my editors are used to kicking, (b) Twelve stitches required to close the surgical extraction point from which Titleist One and Titleist Two emerged, and (c) The nurse's frighteningly ominous instructions of "don't get the incision wet for three days or you'll be sorry" ringing in my ears just as the anesthetic wore off. This predicament led to the discovery outlined here. It seems that these pre-moistened jewels of many uses have the ability to cleanse one thoroughly without using additional water, and offer an element of control not offered by your common household showerhead. Ergo, we have yet another practical use for the outmoded bottom-cleaner --or in this case bottom-avoider! The wipes kill adult body odor as well as they clean poo-poo from baby's bum-bum, and allow me to keep my surgically-compromised bum-bum dressing free of the evil di-hydrogen-oxide (water), which would be next to impossible in the shower. Not to mention, I smell like a kid again.
COST: $0 - we already have the 20-or-so wipes needed each morning (and evening if you're really self-conscious) - having one of those pop-up dispensers left over from diaper duty helps greatly for the bending-over-impaired, too.
SAVINGS: No trips to the doctor to re-do the surgical dressing that you were supposed to keep dry! Think how proud your scary nurse will be!